LORD I BELIEVE, HELP MY UNBELIEF
Nostalgia is a form of mourning. - Rev. Osagyefo Sekou
Transparent moment:
I have struggled with two things in this pandemic emergent moment. The first is, am I enough? What is my value connected to? However, that is a conversation for another post. But more often, I struggle with what was.
If you know anything about my story, in the past six years, I have lost a LOT! My life has had so many ups, downs, hills, and valleys that I can't keep up. I have lost material things, health, and wealth. But what I have mourned the most was the loss of what I had deemed as essential relationships.
Relationships have always been something I deeply desired even though past trauma gave me unhealthy ways of retaining them. So, even when I lost stuff, I was ok because I had my folks. Folks I knew loved me. Folks I knew had my back. Folks I knew would show up. Folks I could count on. So, to lose essential relationships made every other loss so much more catastrophic. I felt alone, forgotten, abandoned, forsaken and even unloved.
It is also important to know that I am an ambivert. I LOVE alone time and PEOPLE time. I process deeply both in isolated reflection and with people. I need both. In the past two years, I feel like I have recovered so much because I have built an amazing village. This village gets me. They love me. They know me, sometimes even better than I know myself. This COVID-19-fueled pandemic has left me without my people. And in true fashion, my trauma voice has risen. My favorite pastor would call it the gremlin. The gremlin's voice has left me in deep lamentations. In grief. In mourning of what was. You see, the gremlin has told me that I am in that old place again. It has said, "See, you don't really have folks, you just thought you did. They don't have time for you. They're not around. You are alone. You are abandoned. You are forgotten. You are forsaken. You are unimportant. You are unloved." I wrestle with the gremlin and its voice. I wrestle about the truth and integrity of those relationships. The love that has been exchanged. The conversations that have occurred. The connections that have been felt and the needs that have been met. I remember what has been as well as what was. Then, a new voice rises. It is familiar but it is not my gremlin. It is the voice of deep mourning. It whispers, "What if what was will never be again? What if what was will not be resurrected?"
Nostalgia is a form of mourning. Mourning what was, not just because it was familiar, but because it was needed. It was necessary. It was fulfilling. It was.
We have lost so much, and no one wants to be a constant loser.
However, maybe that is what faith is for. To look at the possibility of what may never be again, what may never be ok, what may never turn right side up and believe that somehow, it will be ok.
Today, and prayerfully the days to come, that is where I am hanging my hat. That regardless of the outcome, it will be ok. It will be ok because I serve a God who makes crooked places straight and rough places smooth. It will be ok because I serve a God who causes all things to work out for my good. I hope because, in the words of Rev. Sekou's grandfather, God loves me, I matter and it's going to be ok. And for those times where I may not believe it, I will keep saying it until I do believe.
I believe God. Help my unbelief. And the thing is, I believe we will always have some level of unbelief. But I want to invite you to quest with me. Let’s go on a journey together towards forward. Towards better. Towards brighter. Towards higher.
Forward is a beautiful place. Let’s go there together. - Candice Benbow
Ready? Set? Go!